though the breeze is silver yet,
it dances among the spring-new leaves
(tender shoots and budding hope)
like a caress,
a promise (enduring)
the sun sings from the sky
(a clear melody, bright and true)
and skips along the surface
of the water
like an innocent child
we are alive
we are all ALIVE
and beautiful spring,
lovely Spring,
this great hope of SPRING
youthful and unbroken
(always youthful, ever unbroken)
has arrived
Long and long ago, back in the Land of my 20′s, I flew to Washington D.C., and met my mom there for a Lutheran Women’s Convention. I was 25, and had been married almost 3 years–and away from “home” for 4 or more, living in one state or another.
I was so happy to be there, to see my mom, and enjoy the sights and sounds of this historic city. It was August, and hot. As hot as the small Army post I’d left behind in Louisiana where my husband and I were living.
I remember the theme verse of that year’s convention was Jeremiah 29:11, and was translated this way:
“For surely I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD, “Plans for your welfare, and not for harm, to give you a future, and a hope.”
Back then, I wasn’t plugged in to a church or small group or Bible study…I didn’t know much of my Bible–it was still pretty brand-new. It had my name in gold leaf letters on the front, which I thought was very fancy, and grown up. (It’s the same Bible, dog-eared and well-used, that I still read every day–my name is wearing off.)
It was there, on this trip with my mother, that I understood I was pregnant with my one and only Brown-Eyed Girl…and I *knew* on my birthday, which my mom and I celebrated in our hotel room, with room service and a couple of slices of cake, while we watched the movie “A League of Their Own” because I was feeling…well, not well.
We were there when they opened the Holocaust Museum, which we visited. We had tickets and stood in line for hours. We took the tour of the White House, and as I recall, I tried to go into a room that was off-limits and got reprimanded. We enjoyed a service at the National Cathedral and walked through Georgetown (where I saw a carousel horse in the window of someone’s home, the brass pole shining in the sun…)
It was a wonderful trip, with my wonderful mom.
But Jeremiah 29:11 has been with me, ever since, through good days, bad days, wonderful seasons of plenty and challenging seasons of storms.
In each season, the verse has a different meaning, a different flavor…
And certainly it does, these days.
But every time I meditate on the verse, the word “hope” resonates for me, singing into my soul with a love and light that is always the same, year after year, calm or crisis.
I am so thankful God gives us the gift of hope. It is when I have felt hope-less that darkness has taken hold. It is when I have felt hope-less that nothing seems possible. It is when I have felt hope-less that the devil claims another victory.
Hope. It is what I cling to, now. I may not know exactly what lies ahead, but He does.
Hope. It is a promise in God’s Word–that He knows the plans He has for me, plans for my welfare, and not for harm, to give me a future, and a hope.
I thank God for it. And, thank goodness there are so many verses about hope, all throughout His glorious Word.
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So, I left Washington D.C. one year older, with a baby on the way, and with Jeremiah 29:11 tucked away in my heart and soul…for the rest of my days.
Blessings
Jane
A while back, in the dark recesses of February, I began a class on Tuesday nights that has lasted almost 13 weeks. I went in hesitantly, filled with false-confidence and a bravado I knew was a front, and sat down with about 6 or 7 other people and…toughed it out.
That first night, among strangers, was awkward and stilted…like walking on a boat if you’ve never been on one before, like if you grew up in Kansas but suddenly found yourself on the Bering Sea. I mean…you know you MUST get on the Bering Sea if you want to survive…but you just don’t really know what to do once you get on the boat. It was like that–all survival gear and flotation devices…just…hang…on.
The class I started was Divorce Care, and going, week after week, was a good thing. I don’t think I’ve said that word in relation to what has been going on in my life since this whole process has unfolded, but there you have it.
(I may not say it again–it’s not my favorite word.)
The class has been a life-saver…going through with others also going through the process has been important. Don’t get me wrong–the kind of emotional and prayerful support my family and friends surrounded me with early on, and continue to bathe me in–has been nothing short of miraculous–fellow human beings clothed in Christ and reaching in to love me with a kind of love that is both helpful and healing…encouraging and strengthening.
But to sit in the class with these other people, also walking along this path…wow. There’s something to be said about journeying with others carrying a similar load.
I will be sad to see the class finish up next week. But, I also know it’s time to move on ahead–with some new friends that I’ve been blessed to get to know. Stronger than when I started. I think we all are.
We may not be able to choose what kinds of life events we’d like to go through–or when…but, we DO have the choice about how we respond to them–we can remain the same, we can choose bitterness (which is fear), or we can take responsibility for what’s ours, heal and grow and let the light of God shine in to our hearts, minds, and souls…and allow it to change us for Him, and for His purpose for us.
God’s purpose for me, for my life, has not been removed. No matter what’s happened, God still created me for a reason. I am, and will remain, valuable to Him, loved.
Many things have been removed. But never God. Never His love.
“It overwhelms and satisfies my soul, and I never ever have to be afraid. One thing remains, one thing remains: Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me. In death, in life, I’m confident and covered by the power of your great love.”
Blessings
Jane
I am not sure which life is supposed to be mine.
I walk two parallel paths. I will do this until one of them…no longer makes sense.
Until then…divided but moving forward in the same direction…I’ll walk the walk.
I wonder why God doesn’t throw down a burning bush…and speak to me from the flames.
“Jane! Do x! Not y.”
I wonder–am I missing something? God, are you showing me exactly what it is you want from me next and for me…and I just can’t see it?
Do I keep praying that you’ll show me what to do…and miss each sign and direction you’re sending?
Or…is it really possible that two very different things could be the right thing…and I’ll just have to keep both possibilities open…until one makes more sense than the other?
Free will, and all that.
God…don’t you know it’s freaking me out to be making such big decisions? You know, LIFE decisions?
I am not sure which life is supposed to be mine.
Here is a list, in no particular order, of things I know to be true.
Jeremiah 30:19 (MSG)
Thanksgivings will pour out of the windows;
laughter will spill through the doors.
Things will get better and better.
Depression days are over.
They’ll thrive, they’ll flourish.
The days of contempt will be over.
blessings
Jane
I have been going through a lot of papers, mementos, photo albums, and keepsakes these days.
I have also found and been reading through the journals I’ve written and held on to through the years. (And, there aren’t many, any more…years ago, I taped together several, and threw them away. Don’t do that. Keep your words. Keep them.)
Here is my advice for you (not that you asked):
Take the time to journal–even if you don’t think you’re a “writer”. Write things down. Be honest. Be open with yourself. Say what you’re feeling, what you’re experiencing, what the weather was like and what you did that day, how you loved and laughed and how you failed and cried, who was born and who died and what you think about your faith and your journey.
Because one day, there you’ll sit, reading over the words of your life, laughing at your youth, your naivete, your hope and your beautiful fearlessness and you’ll realize:
you have known the truth all along.
CONGRATULATIONS to Rachel Turner… winner of the Courageous movie dvd. (please message me your address and I will mail this out today!!) Thanks to everyone for reading and I appreciate the comments that were left!!
Oh, yeah… today is “Free Giveaway Day” as I was chosen this past week by Focus on the Family as the recipient of the newly released movie, …
Just a quiet, snowy, beautiful day.
I woke this morning to a white world gone icy overnight. There is an otherworldly stillness to the day, a thin shriek of sky overhead whose sole purpose, it seems, is to observe us puling mortals below.
The road outside my door is shiny with treachery, layers of ice just lying in wait for the feet of my van to slip and slide, and send me into failure, or a ditch. Or, The Ditch of Failure.
So, coffee in hand, cat next to me (purring and jockeying for a spot on my lap in place of my computer), with children asleep in their beds in honor of MLK day (they dream “Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty…free to sleep in at last!”) …here I am–staying home from work until things warm up–assuming, of course, that things warm up.
It’s been weeks since I have been here, to this screen, to write. Weeks since I have put any thought into any words beyond those which I have needed to connect me from one moment, to the next moment, and to the next…words like tendons, holding this life together. The bare minimum, messy, sproingy, elastic, strong, keeping the skeleton underneath upright.
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Here are the two best pieces of advice I have gotten over the past few months:
When a significant life event occurs–either by a choice you’ve made, or because of the choices of another…the tendency is to run around like Chicken Little and proclaim “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!” and to talk to EVERYONE about it…except The One who holds all your days…God.
The other tendency is to move ahead too quickly, beyond where God is. Once I run beyond the will of God…well–that just makes it harder–not for God, but for me. Yoked to Jesus, life makes sense…and, yoked to Jesus…I can’t go where He’s not.
Matthew 11:28-30:
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
I have been thankful each day for those two pieces of advice, although it’s an act of will, some days, to get up and reach for my Bible, quiet my mind to seek the Lord in prayer, and give the day to Him that is barely born on the horizon.
It is an act of will, too, to slow down, to let the day unfold, to not make rash decisions or make additional life-changes that would only serve to further confuse the larger whole.
God, over all. God above all, leading all, guiding all, comforting all.
God, giving me the strength, each day, each moment, for what lies ahead.
Isaiah 40:28-31
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
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Thankful. So thankful.
Jane
perched
on the edge
the choice
now is mine
stand still
or
fly
